The Last 30

30 days ago, my sister came to me and asked me to join her "Healthy, Fit, Stronger" group on Facebook. She hadn't started the group yet, but I was already interested. I have spent a good majority of my life the last 10 years attempting to research through trial and error what foods are good for me and which ones are like poison. Many things have changed on my journey. I went from eating whatever the heck I wanted (usually what TASTED the best) to removing all meat sans fish. I was a pescatarian for about two years before I started feeling the lethargy, brain fog, and constant weight battle that soon accompanied thyroid disease. I gave up gluten hoping it would help keep my Thyroid Disease from going full blown (diagnosed sub-clinical).  This was 30 days ago.....let's move on to The Last 30....

"Healthy, Fit, Stronger" has changed my life forever! Joining the group started out as a favor to my sister, but the encouragement I get from it everyday is why I was able to make it my goal to do yoga 4 days per week and STICK WITH IT! I am now doing yoga 5 days per week, hoping to make it 6 days by the end of this next 30 day challenge. The secret to my success in addition to the encouragement is drinking Shakeology. When I first started, it seemed as though the shake was a little grainy. However, what shake that is actually GOOD for you isn't grainy just a lil bit? In the beginning, I was adding things like almonds and ice to make the texture a lil more palpable. 30 days later and I'm enjoying the taste and texture without the almonds or any additives. Shakeology is so incredibly good for you and has become like food for me. If I drink the chocolate one in the morning, I don't crave chocolate all day. I also find I'm not craving processed junk food. I think that happened about 2 weeks after starting it. Oh! Did I forget to mention that I share my bag? Meaning....I only drink it every other day and not every day. I choose to eat a regular meal on the days I don't have the Shakeology just so I can get a good balance of keeping my food where it needs to be; calorie-speaking, and keeps me from going overboard.

How much weight have I lost? How long did it take?

In the last 30 days, I have consumed 15 days worth of Shakeology, ate a balanced breakfast usually consisting of eggs, veggies and GF toast, and have started doing yoga 4 days per week. I lost 9 pounds in less than 30 days. I know my physical activity increased quite a bit, but I have been eating on the healthy side for over 3 years now, so I know it's the Shakeology that has boosted my metabolism, increased my energy, reduced my cravings, improved joint and muscle pain, give me better quality sleep, and maintain my sugar levels. In fact, I don't see any reason why I should ever stop drinking it! I know that I sound like a sales campaign, but I don't work for them, do not sell their product - I only use it and see great results! I feel like my brain is functioning better and I stopped drinking coffee. I didn't do that last one on purpose. I just go into work now and look at the coffee pot and my body doesn't want it. :)

Transformation Takes Heartache

This blog has taken me a lot longer to write than I thought it would. Given the nature of the subject matter, you will understand why.....

Seven days ago I went to the doctor to speak to him about taking myself off Coumadin. I take it because I have a Protein S Deficiency; meaning my vitamin K is really high. For me, Coumadin inhibits my vitamin K. Therefore, (Dr. tells me) there are no natural methods they have found so far that will do what the Coumadin does for me. My doctor is a DO (Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine) and after speaking with four previous specialists in 2 years (and 4 more in the previous 2 years before that), I tend to trust him a little bit more than ever. His explanation was well communicated.

My previous notion of being told Coumadin was originally created as rat poison (another reason you may want to question the integrity of internet chatter) was squashed when my doctor informed me they fed it to rats to find out how much Coumadin was needed to make a rat bleed out. The INR (International Normalized Ratio) level of the rat must be around 60 in order for it to bleed out. The INR level of a human while taking Coumadin must be between 2.0 - 3.0, and if you've ever had to take Coumadin, you know how often you have to go have blood tests (Minimum once a month) to make sure you stay within range. My doctor also tells me it is actually one of the safest drugs ever made. He says it's safer than aspirin and has no record of causing cancer, heart, kidney, or liver disease. I was still feeling a little uneasy so I had to ask the doctor, "Then what are the risks of long-term use of Coumadin?" He says, "Bleeding out; but please understand this would be due to a major accident; like a car accident or getting hit by a car while riding your bike. Any of which can do the same to any other person, you just have a higher risk."

The doctor then looks at me with somber (great bedside manner) eyes and says he wants to talk about my feelings on having children or not. I told him I want to have children one day, but the timing is definitely not right currently. He opened his mouth with the energy of a father; wanting so desperately to reveal the news with tenderness, yet still, an air of courage. He explained to me the risks of becoming pregnant, that I have a very significant chance of having another blood clot. The DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) I experienced was terribly harmful to my existing system; I am one of those people who will clot naturally because of the Protein S deficiency. In addition, if I clot in my upper leg (which is a strong possibility with pregnancy), I could end up with Elephantiasis...forever. The other, even more pressing, issue is the high risk of Pulmonary Embolism. If I get a PE from a blood clot, I will not only experience the worst pain of my life, but have to take home an oxygen tank....forever.

In essence, I have spent much time in the last week comtemplating.....called a couple of people, but mostly kept my thoughts to myself. After I got through my tears of three days, the better news I had received, the day after I visited the doctor, shined through my heartache. Remember the interview I went on where I didn't expect a thing?! I was called by my human resources recruiter and told I was chosen for the position! I had a really hard time trying to pull myself out of the turmoil of the previous news. I realized how much heartache is needed sometimes in life to grab ahold of the transformation occurring in your life instead of wallowing in the heartache, never seeing the transformation at all. I have options later in life of having children and being a parent, but for now I'm simply going to enjoy what this heartache brought me......

Accept My Beautiful Self

I'm currently reading the book, "The Language of Emotion," and I had a light-bulb experience yesterday whilst reading. The author was writing about how behavior changes after a trauma. She listed a couple things that stuck out in my mind as indicators:

1) your emotions are seemingly uncontrollable
2) Makes one look outside of themselves for validation

I'm coming to understand that the trauma I experienced as a child is what essentially made me lose control of my emotions. For years, I have fought with the realization that I don't have control.....beating myself up psychologically for not being the person on the outside that I thought I knew so well on the inside. Not only was I having problems with my emotions, but I also spent most of my life living for other people. Instead of doing the things I value in my own life that I am truly GOOD at, I've been dabbling here and there in the things I think are cool or what other people like......I don't know what I've been thinking! Did I think I was just going to pick up a bat and hit a home run?!!

So, in an effort to be Me, I have created a list of who I see myself as and who I desire to be:

A Reiki Master
A Meditator
A Yoga Teacher
A Writer
Full of Prayer everyday
To Love others wholeheartedly

To love myself
Exercise - yoga, walking, hiking, walking the dog

To cook gourmet; even if it's for me alone
A photographer

I want to be connected....on every level.....I want others to know I am present.
To save money and have an emergency fund!

A Christian....Christ Lover
I want to be in love with God again.....
Feel like God is in love with me again......

To be joyful
To learn to love my imperfections instead of using negative self-talk

I want to be the best pet parent

I want to be close to my family
and allow them to be close to me

To accept my beautiful self just as I am......

Discovering Happiness

Happy: delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing; characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy.

If you notice, each of these statements by themselves means something different. The first statement, "delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing", tells me someone is happy because he got a new car or won the spelling bee. The second statement, "characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy." This statement tells me happiness can be defined by something more concrete. Joy tells me it is everlasting.

Yesterday I did something that took a lot for me to do. I did something I didn't think I was ready for. This something is an adventure hundreds of thousands of people do every day....go on a job interview. In fact, I've been on countless interviews throughout my life, but this one has changed my perspective forever. Originally, I was not going to apply for this job. I don't have one of the major components concerning qualifications. However, I also know this is the job I desire for myself in the future. So instead of ascertaining this idea of futility, I decided to make this an efficacious experiment. I wanted the experience of interviewing just to see what they were looking for. I had no intentions of actual attainment.

People have asked me: "So, how did it go?!!" Comically, my response does not come from a desire for the job, but a place inside me that says: "It's what I got out of going to the interview, not what will eventually come from the interview itself."

What happened? I reached inside myself and stretched. I stretched my beliefs in myself, about myself, about my place in the world. It was like the invigorating feeling you get when you learn something new.....that feeling you get when the synapses in your brain are firing! The energy and stimulation only make you want to keep going.

At one point, I ended up at a gas station. I got out of my car and went into the market to buy a bottle of water. I came back out, got into my car, and a guy walks up to my car and says something incoherently. He was holding a can and I assumed he was selling whatever it was. He handed it to me and this is the account of our conversation:

Guy: "Why don't you just buy it for your husband?"

Me: "I don't have a husband."

Guy: "For your boyfriend then."

Me: "I don't have a boyfriend."

Guy: "I could be your boyfriend and you could give it to me."

Me: LOL - "very funny."

Guy: "Why don't you take down my number and call me when you want to hang out."

Me: "Um....no thank you."

Guy: "Really? No? You're really pretty."

Me: "Thank you, but I'm just not interested."

Guy: "Oh! Why you gotta be mean for?"

Me: "If honesty is mean, then I'm really sorry."

Now I know there are many ladies who are well-versed in telling the not-so-attractive-guy-who-sells-canned-car-wash to go take a hike. While my sister is a pro, I have always had a really hard time with this. I reacted much in the same way the guy did.....I didn't want to be mean. I placed myself in the shoes of the other person and allowed myself to be driven by the actions of others. I realized yesterday that by doing this, I not only forsake my true self, but I am not being honest either. If you know me, honesty is at my core being; I'm driven by it. Previous to this encounter, I would have taken his number or told him I was a lesbian just to make him go away. In effect, this would have told him I was going to call when I had no intention or give him a boldfaced lie. Either way.....no honesty there.

My willingness to be honest with the canned car wash guy and go on an interview I never even considered mine opened up new psychological avenues for me. It has helped me understand that sometimes growth is fun and exhilarating....and it isn't always painful. ;) I'm discovering that happiness is not just "delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing", but can also be, "characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy."

Discovering happiness........

Acceptance

I was having a discussion via Facebook last week with two of my close girlfriends (Zia & Michelle). Michelle is my wonderfully amazing friend who is currently residing in Buenos Aires, Argentina. She wrote something that was very enlightening and I must share:

Acceptance:
You're bored? That's okay.
You're feeling unsupported and lonely? That's okay.
Those emotions are totally normal and understandable and GOOD,
Because is means that things are changing!
Accept your lovely self,
ALL of your feelings,
Even the 'bad' ones,
And know that everything is impermanent.
Everything changes
We all go up, and down, and up, and down,
Because balance is not One Spot that we reach if we just work hard enough
and do everything perfectly.
Balance is a verb, a continuous choice.
It's unending.
Which might sound tiring, but that's what freedom is.
Unending choice, freedom in every moment.

I think women have an especially difficult time with acceptance. We spend so much time in self-hate or what I like to label: negative self-talk. Why is it so easy for us who find fulfillment in being supportive of those around us, but simply cannot manage to see we are holding a mirror? The things we reach out to be supportive with is exactly the support we are lacking in our own lives. If we would learn to love and support ourselves the way we do others, this very idea of acceptance would become like second nature.

Such is my struggles......What if I don't want to accept? What if I would rather knowingly cause myself pain to deny myself that acceptance? What if I realize I'm not willing to accept?

I think it leaves me exactly where I am in the present......denial of the need for relationships, lack of desire to have a romantic or spiritual relationship, and still wondering why my husband was taken from me far too soon. I don't want to accept it. It sucks. It sucks the life out of me some days.....I find myself not being able to trust people. Do I truly trust myself?

Naikan means......

I chose Naikan as the title of my blog because, translated, it means Introspection.

I began a life of introspection early on in my life. My mom says it started when I took forever to initially begin speaking. However, she very soon figured out, when I did start talking, she couldn't get me to stop. I discovered once I turned 30, my outgoing, extroverted personality started to morph into this person who spends a lot more time in introspection that she ever thought she would. Sometimes this comes at my own expense....I get so engulfed  inside myself that I come off aloof to my friends, family, and colleagues.

I have been searching for a reason as to why I've become more aloof than I used to be. Is it my spirituality? Is it the hardships of my life that has kept me at arm's length from most everyone? Is it the thoughts that consume my psyche instead of making their escape through conversation with friends? If there is one thing I do know.....this Naikan.....it has brought me to an understanding that this has all come about since my husband, Tom Hitchcock, passed away on July 2, 2007. At first, I stopped talking to my friends and removed myself from anything that was familiar. I seated myself in the very depths of my despair and convinced myself that no one could possibly desire to be in my company. I spent a lot of time in self-hate.

I am one of those fortunate people in this world who always has a plethora of loved ones to pull me out of my own despair. It has been a little over 4 years since Tom's passing.....and I'm starting to feel like I'm coming to the end of the valley....where the green pastures give way to the most beautiful sunset on the horizon your imagination can dream. I'm not there yet. I feel stuck.....like this child who is stuck in a box....all he has to do is stand up. The parent inside of him says: You know, it's really easy. You know what you want and you know how to get it.....The child inside of him says: But I don't wanna! Why can't I just magically change?

Now we all know that's not possible....and if it were, there would be no hard work, no burdens that experience lays on us. Thus, creating a self-absorbed, selfish, impatient person who is unwilling to have any solid, interdependent relationships. I currently have a family who struggles with staying close; the natural urge is to pull away when others don't react the way you wish or thought they ought. I am fortunate enough to have a mother who has consistently encouraged our family to stay close and communicate as much as possible. In a world where we are encouraged to communicate via Facebook, email, text messages, etc., we have removed ourselves from the intimacy of personal relationships. I think to myself, what would it be like if I didn't have a cell phone for 30 days? Would I have any of those so-called "friends" if I no longer had a Facebook page? How often would I force myself to have more meaningful relationships if these things did not exist in my life at all?

Hmm.....