I began a life of introspection early on in my life. My mom says it started when I took forever to initially begin speaking. However, she very soon figured out, when I did start talking, she couldn't get me to stop. I discovered once I turned 30, my outgoing, extroverted personality started to morph into this person who spends a lot more time in introspection that she ever thought she would. Sometimes this comes at my own expense....I get so engulfed inside myself that I come off aloof to my friends, family, and colleagues.
I have been searching for a reason as to why I've become more aloof than I used to be. Is it my spirituality? Is it the hardships of my life that has kept me at arm's length from most everyone? Is it the thoughts that consume my psyche instead of making their escape through conversation with friends? If there is one thing I do know.....this Naikan.....it has brought me to an understanding that this has all come about since my husband, Tom Hitchcock, passed away on July 2, 2007. At first, I stopped talking to my friends and removed myself from anything that was familiar. I seated myself in the very depths of my despair and convinced myself that no one could possibly desire to be in my company. I spent a lot of time in self-hate.
I am one of those fortunate people in this world who always has a plethora of loved ones to pull me out of my own despair. It has been a little over 4 years since Tom's passing.....and I'm starting to feel like I'm coming to the end of the valley....where the green pastures give way to the most beautiful sunset on the horizon your imagination can dream. I'm not there yet. I feel stuck.....like this child who is stuck in a box....all he has to do is stand up. The parent inside of him says: You know, it's really easy. You know what you want and you know how to get it.....The child inside of him says: But I don't wanna! Why can't I just magically change?
Now we all know that's not possible....and if it were, there would be no hard work, no burdens that experience lays on us. Thus, creating a self-absorbed, selfish, impatient person who is unwilling to have any solid, interdependent relationships. I currently have a family who struggles with staying close; the natural urge is to pull away when others don't react the way you wish or thought they ought. I am fortunate enough to have a mother who has consistently encouraged our family to stay close and communicate as much as possible. In a world where we are encouraged to communicate via Facebook, email, text messages, etc., we have removed ourselves from the intimacy of personal relationships. I think to myself, what would it be like if I didn't have a cell phone for 30 days? Would I have any of those so-called "friends" if I no longer had a Facebook page? How often would I force myself to have more meaningful relationships if these things did not exist in my life at all?
Hmm.....
Hmm.....
