Accept My Beautiful Self

I'm currently reading the book, "The Language of Emotion," and I had a light-bulb experience yesterday whilst reading. The author was writing about how behavior changes after a trauma. She listed a couple things that stuck out in my mind as indicators:

1) your emotions are seemingly uncontrollable
2) Makes one look outside of themselves for validation

I'm coming to understand that the trauma I experienced as a child is what essentially made me lose control of my emotions. For years, I have fought with the realization that I don't have control.....beating myself up psychologically for not being the person on the outside that I thought I knew so well on the inside. Not only was I having problems with my emotions, but I also spent most of my life living for other people. Instead of doing the things I value in my own life that I am truly GOOD at, I've been dabbling here and there in the things I think are cool or what other people like......I don't know what I've been thinking! Did I think I was just going to pick up a bat and hit a home run?!!

So, in an effort to be Me, I have created a list of who I see myself as and who I desire to be:

A Reiki Master
A Meditator
A Yoga Teacher
A Writer
Full of Prayer everyday
To Love others wholeheartedly

To love myself
Exercise - yoga, walking, hiking, walking the dog

To cook gourmet; even if it's for me alone
A photographer

I want to be connected....on every level.....I want others to know I am present.
To save money and have an emergency fund!

A Christian....Christ Lover
I want to be in love with God again.....
Feel like God is in love with me again......

To be joyful
To learn to love my imperfections instead of using negative self-talk

I want to be the best pet parent

I want to be close to my family
and allow them to be close to me

To accept my beautiful self just as I am......

Discovering Happiness

Happy: delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing; characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy.

If you notice, each of these statements by themselves means something different. The first statement, "delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing", tells me someone is happy because he got a new car or won the spelling bee. The second statement, "characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy." This statement tells me happiness can be defined by something more concrete. Joy tells me it is everlasting.

Yesterday I did something that took a lot for me to do. I did something I didn't think I was ready for. This something is an adventure hundreds of thousands of people do every day....go on a job interview. In fact, I've been on countless interviews throughout my life, but this one has changed my perspective forever. Originally, I was not going to apply for this job. I don't have one of the major components concerning qualifications. However, I also know this is the job I desire for myself in the future. So instead of ascertaining this idea of futility, I decided to make this an efficacious experiment. I wanted the experience of interviewing just to see what they were looking for. I had no intentions of actual attainment.

People have asked me: "So, how did it go?!!" Comically, my response does not come from a desire for the job, but a place inside me that says: "It's what I got out of going to the interview, not what will eventually come from the interview itself."

What happened? I reached inside myself and stretched. I stretched my beliefs in myself, about myself, about my place in the world. It was like the invigorating feeling you get when you learn something new.....that feeling you get when the synapses in your brain are firing! The energy and stimulation only make you want to keep going.

At one point, I ended up at a gas station. I got out of my car and went into the market to buy a bottle of water. I came back out, got into my car, and a guy walks up to my car and says something incoherently. He was holding a can and I assumed he was selling whatever it was. He handed it to me and this is the account of our conversation:

Guy: "Why don't you just buy it for your husband?"

Me: "I don't have a husband."

Guy: "For your boyfriend then."

Me: "I don't have a boyfriend."

Guy: "I could be your boyfriend and you could give it to me."

Me: LOL - "very funny."

Guy: "Why don't you take down my number and call me when you want to hang out."

Me: "Um....no thank you."

Guy: "Really? No? You're really pretty."

Me: "Thank you, but I'm just not interested."

Guy: "Oh! Why you gotta be mean for?"

Me: "If honesty is mean, then I'm really sorry."

Now I know there are many ladies who are well-versed in telling the not-so-attractive-guy-who-sells-canned-car-wash to go take a hike. While my sister is a pro, I have always had a really hard time with this. I reacted much in the same way the guy did.....I didn't want to be mean. I placed myself in the shoes of the other person and allowed myself to be driven by the actions of others. I realized yesterday that by doing this, I not only forsake my true self, but I am not being honest either. If you know me, honesty is at my core being; I'm driven by it. Previous to this encounter, I would have taken his number or told him I was a lesbian just to make him go away. In effect, this would have told him I was going to call when I had no intention or give him a boldfaced lie. Either way.....no honesty there.

My willingness to be honest with the canned car wash guy and go on an interview I never even considered mine opened up new psychological avenues for me. It has helped me understand that sometimes growth is fun and exhilarating....and it isn't always painful. ;) I'm discovering that happiness is not just "delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing", but can also be, "characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy."

Discovering happiness........

Acceptance

I was having a discussion via Facebook last week with two of my close girlfriends (Zia & Michelle). Michelle is my wonderfully amazing friend who is currently residing in Buenos Aires, Argentina. She wrote something that was very enlightening and I must share:

Acceptance:
You're bored? That's okay.
You're feeling unsupported and lonely? That's okay.
Those emotions are totally normal and understandable and GOOD,
Because is means that things are changing!
Accept your lovely self,
ALL of your feelings,
Even the 'bad' ones,
And know that everything is impermanent.
Everything changes
We all go up, and down, and up, and down,
Because balance is not One Spot that we reach if we just work hard enough
and do everything perfectly.
Balance is a verb, a continuous choice.
It's unending.
Which might sound tiring, but that's what freedom is.
Unending choice, freedom in every moment.

I think women have an especially difficult time with acceptance. We spend so much time in self-hate or what I like to label: negative self-talk. Why is it so easy for us who find fulfillment in being supportive of those around us, but simply cannot manage to see we are holding a mirror? The things we reach out to be supportive with is exactly the support we are lacking in our own lives. If we would learn to love and support ourselves the way we do others, this very idea of acceptance would become like second nature.

Such is my struggles......What if I don't want to accept? What if I would rather knowingly cause myself pain to deny myself that acceptance? What if I realize I'm not willing to accept?

I think it leaves me exactly where I am in the present......denial of the need for relationships, lack of desire to have a romantic or spiritual relationship, and still wondering why my husband was taken from me far too soon. I don't want to accept it. It sucks. It sucks the life out of me some days.....I find myself not being able to trust people. Do I truly trust myself?